Browsing Category: Funny Stuff

An Anticlimactic Potty Story

An Anticlimactic Potty Story

The worst thing about taking toddlers out in public is when they have to go potty. Or trying to use the potty yourself while you yell, “Don’t touch that! Get your hands off the floor!”

Here’s one rousing story out of our three public potty breaks today:

An Anticlimactic Potty Story

This afternoon, we were all at our limit during our last stop of the day. It was after 3pm, and we’d left the house at 9am. My Costco grocery list was simple – butter, milk, strawberries. I asked my 5 year old to repeat it with me so I wouldn’t forget, “Butter, Milk, Strawberries, nothing else!”. Any more exertion and that baby boy in my belly might arrive 2.5 weeks early! It had been a long. day. Did I mention that?

We trekked across the Costco parking lot and I hoisted my 2.5 year old into the cart (but unfortunately sat her in a less than desirable spot, and had to remove her immediately). She insisted on sitting in the basket of the cart. My 5 year old pointed out the picture on the seat with an “x” through a child sitting in the basket. I nodded, “Yeah, I know; you’re not supposed to sit in there, but she’s going to today.” I figured 37.5 week pregnant women are allowed to be bad mothers once in awhile.

With my belly heavy and aching, we soldiered through a multitude of sample carts, me loading the kids up with their own personal snack bar. My toddler had an impressive snack buffet laid out on top of my reusable bags in the cart in no time at all.

Tragedy struck briefly when she spilled all but two pieces of popcorn out of her caramel/cheese popcorn mix, but that was quickly remedied with another quick swipe at the popcorn sample cart. No apologies here.

We passed a dried pear man, who wanted to tell me all about the 11 pounds of pears that went into this one bag of dried pear slices. I nodded and raised my eyebrows, feigning absolute amazement, and pushed on. We were almost there! The land of milk and honey (or butter) was near!

But adversity was on the horizon – my toddler had begun to complain about needing to go potty. AGAIN.

I reminded her she’d JUST been to the potty at the last store – and she didn’t even go! She could wait two minutes (okay, 20 minutes, until we got home. But toddlers have a terrible sense of time, and it’s very easy to take advantage of their ignorance.).

I halted at the Dr. Praeger’s cart of veggie burgers, and maybe that was my biggest mistake. But I’d been so intrigued by these veggie burgers for so long; I had to try one. I chatted with the veggie burger lady for a moment, and it was then my 2 year old began complaining in earnest.

Moving more quickly now, we sped to the end of the veggie burger aisle where, dangit, they had a gluten-free chicken nugget sample cart. This is not something my kids get but for very rare occasions. So, although I was tempted to speed on, I saw my 5 year old eyeing the samples and I knew that wouldn’t fly. We stopped for a nugget. The sample lady had to tell me of all the salubrious benefits of these wonderful nuggets (which I wasn’t impressed by).

Feeling ever-increasing unease at my younger daughter’s persistence that she had to go potty, I smiled and rushed away from the nugget cart.

We finally made it to the butter aisle whereupon our predicament reached a peak. The toddler was now clutching her crotch, eyes wide with alarm, eyes teary. I thought, “Oh crap; I’ve misjudged the situation!”.

Desperately, I raked my eyes over the butter display. Where was the organic, unsalted butter?? I looked from the butter case, to my agonized daughter, back to the butter. “Oh God, where is the butter!!!”, I cried to myself.

I gave up.

I implored my oldest to hurry and we raced back the way we’d come. The veggie burgers and pear slices were all a blur as we zoomed towards the front of the store. Yes, the butter is about as far away as you can get from the restrooms at our Costco.

We drew nearer and nearer to a sample cart we’d neglected to hit before and I sensed my curious 5 year old starting to lag. Then the sample lady said something to her or me, I don’t know which. In a frenzy, I barked, “Don’t stop; keep going!!!”, as if our lives depended on it.

At long last, we’d reached the Promised Land, the restrooms! What a gleaming, glorious site! I whisked my 2 year old out of the cart and into the very first open stall. In my haste, I’m not even sure I lined the seat with toilet paper before I sat her on it.

She delicately tinkled and she was done.

No impressive explosion of any sort.

I ran my extremely pregnant self through Costco for THAT?

It was so anticlimactic.

THIS, my friend, is why you should never give your child an entire carton of chocolate milk when you’re still two errands away from home. In fact, I suggest no liquids for 24 hours previous to your outing, just in case.

potty training

The moral of this story is:

You can never be too careful in matters of the heart poop and pee.

Today’s Arduous Shopping Trip (Or, Why You Should Always Carry A Quarter In Your Purse)

My Aldi's Shopping Trip

Today’s shopping trip required a long venting text to a friend afterward…I LOVE my local Aldi’s, but this shopping trip in particular was a fairly trying one.

My Aldi's Shopping Trip

Let me tell you the tale…

I was rushing to grab just a few items before I had to pick up my older daughter from dance class. I carried my 2.5 year old daughter above my big pregnant belly to hurry the trip along. I set her in a shopping cart, and rummaged in my purse for a quarter to unlock it. Nothing. Just 3 pennies. Jealously, I look over at a happy elderly couple blessed with a 25 cent cart of their own before I hustle my daughter out of the cold and into the store. She immediately begins crying, “I’m tired of walking! I want a shopping cart!”. How do you explain to a 2 year old the process of renting a shopping cart and getting your quarter back for returning it to the corral when you’re done so the grocery store can cut costs? You don’t. So she cried throughout the entire store.

Aldi shopping trip

So I’m in Aldi’s discount grocery store, 36.5 weeks pregnant, in high heeled boots, with a crying toddler. I had neither a cart, nor reusable bags. I was there to buy, among other items, a heavy bag of flour and cans of beans.

I tried to distract my daughter from her tears with a pack of napkins to carry, oh what fun! Alas, this lasted only 3 minutes before she began crying about having to carry those heavy napkins.

After finally locating the beans (having asked an employee for direction who looked at me as if bean buying was a highly irregular occurrence…”Beans??”, she exclaimed! And I suddenly felt like a very odd, very gassy person.), I was lucky enough to find a box for my groceries!

This box happened to be on the lowest shelf, so I squatted down to unload my arm full of groceries. My daughter happily put her napkins in the box too. I slowwwly unsquatted my pregnant self back to a standing position. Hefting the box (with flour and beans and impulse buys) onto my hip, I turned to leave with a satisfied sigh.

Except then I saw the milk display case. Nearly empty, but with a $1.49 sign above it. “Wow!”, I thought! “I should buy some milk while I’m here! That’s a great price!”. Unfortunately, it just so happened that all the gallons of milk on the top shelves were gone. Only the very bottom row had any milk left in stock.

Not one to let slight annoyances get in the way of a good deal, I squatted down once again. And by some miracle, I was able to haul my body, my box of groceries, AND that gallon of milk back up off the floor. In my high heeled boots, without falling over!

At this point, I was definitely done “window shopping” and listening to my daughter whine, so we headed to the register. We walked right up to a deserted checkout with an employee ready and waiting for us! What luck!! The skies were clearing!

However, double checking my list as I threw items onto the belt, I realized I’d forgotten powdered sugar – a definite must have to make my daughter a birthday cake this weekend! I felt bad, but I told the cashier I needed to run and grab it as more customers lined up behind me. The baking aisle was as close as it could be; it would only take a second.

But my daughter panicked, screaming, “Mommy, don’t leave me!!” as she began crying louder than before.

Feeling nearly defeated, I threw the sugar on the belt and whipped out my credit card. I was almost done; I just might be able to make it to the car without any more trauma or drama!

Except going out the door, we encountered a lady whose toddler decided to stop right smack in the middle of it, which stopped the lady short in front of us, which caused ME to smack my daughter upside the head with the gallon of milk and step on her shoe. Upon which another round of crying ensued.

But you know, it was all worth it. I came home and was able to proudly tell my hubby how I saved him a whole dollar* on my shopping trip AND we managed to survive!

Moral of the story: Pay it forward; next time, leave your quarter in the cart just in case a very pregnant mama with a very whiny toddler comes along quarter-less and bag-less. 🙂

*I exaggerate, but all other details in story are completely unembellished.

‘Fess Up Time: Parenting Fails and Newborn Tales

Parenting Fails and Newborn Tales

Parenting Fails – we’ve all been there, done that!

Parenting Fails and Newborn Tales

My general theory is that whether you make huge mistakes or simple parenting fails, your kid can still turn out either good or bad. Many successful people have emerged from a terrible home life. And sometimes kids from good, strong families lose their way. The Bible promises that if you train up a child in the way he should go, in the end he will not depart from it. So just do your best, and don’t sweat the small stuff.

With that being said, however….parenting fails can still make us feel like idiots! I’ll never forget the time I took my newborn first child to the pool in her adorable two piece baby bikini and shades. I laid her on a lounge chair on top of a beach towel and started snapping away with my camera. She was three months old and cute as a bug. I was beside myself with motherly pride and adoration, when all of a sudden she rolled off the lounge and onto the concrete! Luckily, the chair was very low to the ground and she was not injured, but I was so ashamed of myself for being stupid enough to let something like that happen. I didn’t tell anyone (besides hubby) for almost two years because I was so embarrassed!

Beach Babe - Don't Call Me Supermom
An adorable photo from the fateful day!

I also forgot the diaper bag the first time we ever took our newborn daughter to church, when she was a week old. Now that I’m a “seasoned” parent of four years, I realize that these things happen to everyone. We all experience parenting fails, and that doesn’t make us bad at what we do! In fact, it’s the guilt we feel afterwards that makes us good parents!

If you’re having a rough day, check out these stories and realize you’re not alone when you feel helpless, inadequate, or just plain stupid. We’re all in this together! 🙂

Jen from Heaven Not Harvard: One time in the Wal-mart parking lot, I was so busy making sure my daughter’s car seat was in correctly and tightly secured that she started to roll away in the shopping cart into the traffic flow! 😱😳 Luckily, there were no cars and I grabbed her in seconds. My husband was just coming out from buying something he’d forgotten when he saw my eyeballs about jump out of my skull and my legs road runner spiral into action.

Aditi from Silver Linings – My parents, hubby dearest, and two month old baby came home after an evening spent roaming around the shopping mall. We had just started getting ready for bed when the crying began. Desperate, never ending and extremely loud to four adults who were new to being around an infant. We tried everything, feeding, bathing, more clothes, less clothes, gripe water, steam etc. Panic had just started to seep in, when for some reason my brilliant husband got our industrial fan, switched it to low and put it bang in front of the little one lying in the bouncer. And lo and behold, the crying stopped. My hubby quipped, “He just needed to feel like the star of a Bollywood movie with the wind blowing his hair in the scene where he’s introduced.”

Bärbel from Simple Summit – My daughter was 5 days old when we went to the pediatrician’s office for her first check-up. When the nurse called her name, my husband and I just kept sitting in the waiting room. She called it again – this time, the full name and we both got up, embarrassed. “We are new at this, can you tell?”, was our excuse. 🙂
We have also left the diaper bag at home before, or ended up staying out longer than anticipated so I ran out of diapers. I shook out the poopie in her diapers so I could reuse them again. So embarrassing!

Crystal from Love More Live Blessed – I had my pack-n-play up way before I had my son. I would throw diapers in there until I could put them away. I know, I know, so lazy. Anyway, one day I threw a package of diapers across the room into the pack-n-play. A second later, I realized my newborn was in there too! Ahh!! He was fine, the diapers didn’t hit him – but I sure felt guilty.

Nikki from Healing Mama Remedies – I was nursing my son while looking on my phone, then I dropped my phone on his head! I felt horrible!

Ashli from The Million Dollar Mama – I thought squeaking the dog’s toy in front of my 8 week old might make him laugh – it terrified the crap out of him!

Hannah from Sunshine And Spoons – On my oldest daughter’s first Sunday in church, I took her downstairs to feed her a bottle and forgot to burp her. When we came back upstairs and sat down in our pew, she threw up her entire bottle all over my dress.

With my 3rd child, I forgot to bring any diapers to church and she uncharacteristically had TWO really messy diapers. The first time it happened, I begged a too-small diaper from my sister in law. The second time, I was too embarrassed to ask again. Church was almost over so when it finished, I put a rag in her carseat so she wouldn’t leak all over it and took my smelly, oozing child home to change! I left diapers in the church nursery after that.

When my 4th and youngest baby was just 3 months old, I took him to a Sunday School picnic. I thought I did a good job keeping him out of the sun. However, I let someone else hold him for a while and she forgot to do the same. He had THE worst sunburn on his forehead and nose that I’ve ever seen. Note to self: Always bring a hat for the baby!

 As always, thanks for reading! And remember, if you’re a parent, or parent-to-be, take it easy on yourself. We all make mistakes from time to time, but it will all be okay in the end!

Proverbs 22:6

Laughable Labor Tales

Laughable Labor Tales

Laughable labor tales probably don’t exist in most people’s opinions. Labor is many things… It is painful, sometimes gross, always unpredictable. And there’s a wonderful reward at the end. But I think along the way, labor can have it’s funny moments, too!

Laughable Labor Tales

When I was younger and single, I always hated when women started yakking about their labor experiences. It was boring and I couldn’t participate in the conversation. But now that I have my own labor stories, I fully embrace everyone’s tales! But I also prefer to hear about the sweet moments, the laughable labor tales. I will never enjoy hearing the “How Long was your labor?” battle. One woman says she was in labor for 48 hours, and another still claims to have her beat at 92 hours. Since when was this a competition, ladies??? We were all miserable and in pain, ok? We all lose!!! Lol!

Now that my rant is out of the way, let’s move on. Who of you have ever seen the famous “I Love Lucy” episode where Lucy announces it is time to go to the hospital? Such hilarious chaos isn’t really that far-fetched. When it comes to going into labor, people tend to lose their cool.

This doesn’t describe me at all; how about you? Anyone in your family? Tell me your labor story in the comments below – I’d love to hear!

Today, I am going to share a collection of laughable labor tales I gathered from blogger friends. I will kick off the humor with my own funny labor stories!

Here is MY first labor story : 

With my first child, my water broke at home 3 days early on a Friday night. Just a trickle, not a gush – no big deal. I calmly called the hospital, “I think my water broke; should I come in?”. When they said yes, I announced to hubby that I was going to go take a shower and shave (Duh!). My husband scurried around getting things together and worrying about whether I’d ever finished packing my suitcase (the answer was no), but I was cool as a cucumber. I told him, “It’s a first baby – they always take a long time to come; don’t worry about it! Go make me something to eat.”

We pulled into the hospital parking lot as I was texting a friend to let her know that, “The time has come!”. Hubby went to retrieve our suitcase from the trunk and he locked the darn car with me still in it! He stood outside the car holding our suitcase, looking befuddled.

Next, as it just so happened, the hospital doors we thought we were supposed to use after-hours were locked! I don’t know how many times I’d asked which doors to use and when. I’d asked at the doctor’s office, we took the hospital tour, AND I had someone draw me a map. Yet, the doors were locked. It was truly the one thing I had worried about when it came to labor. Let me tell you, in case you’re concerned, hospitals are pretty safe places. It’s not easy to get in there once they start locking doors. We had to trek all around the giant parking lot until we found someone who would let us in, but not before my pants were soaked with broken waters!

Newborn record of birth

My 2nd Funny Labor Tale! : (Yeah, would you believe I have two? We’re a funny couple, I guess.)

With my second labor, I thought I’d given hubby all sorts of clues that I was having contractions (again, on a Friday evening! What are the chances?). In fact, I’m pretty darn sure I came right out and said, “I think I’m having contractions”. The world will never know the true story. It’s merely my crystal clear memory against his fuzzy recollection.

But despite having contractions, they weren’t very regular. So we got ready for bed. Around midnight, I got up to shower and shave (Notice another trend?). I stepped out of the shower and snapped at my slumbering husband, “Are we going to the hospital or not?!?”. He was absolutely oblivious. In disbelief, I exclaimed, “Well, why do you think I got out of bed to take a shower??” as if that explained it all. Hahaha, oh my poor, poor hubby. After this bit of drama, the hospital sent us home 4 hours later. Whereupon my water immediately broke in bed!

Back at the hospital, hubby had the nerve to laugh as I kept nodding off during my epidural, due to the sleeping pill they’d given me on our first visit when they were so sure I wasn’t in active labor. But who can sleep through contractions?? My eyes would close and my head would droop, but then I’d have a contraction and my head would pop right back up! I’m sure I did look hilarious…

Laughable Labor Tales - hubby sleeps while wife contracts

Both stories I’ve related were definitely more funny than stressful! (Except for the hospital sending me home when I was most definitely in labor.)

I’m not sure if the following women would have been content with boring stories, but they definitely had some funny circumstances surrounding their labor and births. Check out their stories below! (I can relate to the first one! Haha!)

Labor Tales - 2nd child

Nikki from Healing Mama RemediesMy water broke at 3am. I shook my husband and said, “Honey, my water broke!”. He replied, “Okay”, so I thought he knew that it was time to go to the hospital. I started getting my stuff ready and still didn’t hear him get up! By the time everything was packed, he was still asleep! So I woke him again, saying, “My water broke; we have to go to the hospital!”. Later, he told me he heard me say, “I THINK my water broke”, so he didn’t see the need in getting up if I wasn’t sure. 😀

Hannah from Sunshine and Spoons – When I was in labor with my first, my brother-in-law called to see how things were going. I talked to him for a few minutes while stopping periodically to get through a contraction until a really bad one hit and I literally threw the phone at my husband because I was done talking. It wasn’t until later that I learned my brother-in-law had me on speaker phone at a church gathering (our small, family-like church) so everyone could get an update!

Another funny thing happened when I gave birth to my 3rd baby. We had two ultrasounds that predicted a boy, so when SHE was born, it was the shock of our lives! I seriously thought the doctor was joking until I saw her myself. When the nurse laid her on me, the first thing my baby girl did was pee on me, which I think was payback for calling her a boy for 4 months, lol!

Daisy from Fertile Brains – When my water broke, I was busy filling up my annual self-assessment (performance review) for work (It was 6:00 am and 9:00 am was the deadline). I actually called up my gyn and asked, “Can the baby wait for some more time?” LOL! I am not sure if it is funny or pathetic!

Bree from Family As we Go – The only thing funny to me was right when I pushed my baby out (and I didn’t know the sex). The midwife said, “Here’s your girl!” and then I looked down laughing, “No way, he’s got a little pee-pee! … it was midnight, so I’m sure she was exhausted!

Tabitha from Love My Mom Life : My family was stressing me out so much during the transition phase, that the staff technically kicked them out. My father-in-law was so nervous that he kept peeking through the waiting area doors at the nurses. I was continually reminding my husband to quit hitting my bed with his foot during labor. He was pulling my iv every time! I also had a nurse tell me no way I needed to push because I was checked almost an hour before and I was only at 3cm then. She was really surprised when she checked and I was at 9!

Suzanne from Made Perfectly Imperfect – I was in horrible labor and my husband hadn’t had anything to eat. We stashed blow pops in our hospital bag, so he decided he would suck on one. He was trying to open the bag while I was having a particularly bad contraction. All of a sudden, the bag exploded, sending blow pops everywhere! One hit the doctor in the head and one landed right between my legs as if it were a treat waiting for the baby’s arrival. Everyone, including me, busted out laughing.
newborn
I hope you’ve enjoyed all these labor tales whether you’re awaiting your first baby or aren’t having any more. Labor is painful and scary, but it can also be funny! Enjoy the experience if you can!
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Laughable Labor Tales